Concert's tmr. and im feeling really excited, nervous and everything. AH THE ANTICIPATIONS KILLING ME!
so i thought today's rehearsal was quite fruiteful ^^ yayness. except for stewpeed-ness and all. but yeah.
bwaahahaha, today i got reminded of smth i will never have. and i felt awkward, im just not used to such things anymore. Like i havent even felt it in 74653876 years. But i felt it again. And im not used to it! it rendered me speechless. It made me think of all th things i dont have. and made me think of what i really want. And reminded me of all the hurt i felt and received. Its kinda ironic how the same place could be a place of bliss for some, but hell for others, like me.
nevermind, i'll grow up strong independent ^^ i think. God will guide me through ;)
kayys, wish me luck for tmr's concert ! Byeeeee!

Suddenly i feel like second-place.

And im thinking back to the past; i might have been happier eh? Now that i think about it. But circumstances brought me here, and i guess i should just embrace it, put my feelings aside.

Chill celia, jealousy is normal.human.feelings. Or is it? *gulps* i dont like this feeling its scary.

I mean, if you're really over it i guess it wont hurt anymore right? But if you say it still hurts...than.

I suddenly dont feel so confident anymore .

After school today, i feel that i just woke up from a really nice dream and that im back oin reality.

Everything that happened in hols feels like a dream, a really good awesome dream which im suddenly awoken from and faced with horrible reality : school.

well at least this fantasy ended off well :D Yesterday was such an awesome day and last night ARGENTINA VS MEXICO 3;1 olehhhh ^^ A for argentina A for awesomeness! XDXD

so today had school with sucky subjects... kinda.

but time passed fast ^^ which is kinda awesome. But i feeel back to norm again, like nothing special really happened when it did! DAMN suddenly what Hitomi told me starts to make a lot of sense. A lot a lot of sense. Woah its kinda scary. Kayys, BYEEE!

Omg today was so awesome we went to watch tooy story three and its like faggoty awesome i dont care im gonna go watch it again in 3DDDDDDDD whooots~

from 9.20am of today officially the awesomeness started :D and it lasted alll the way til now bwahahaha i had the awesomenest time and NOAH you still havent tell us who you likey! NOT COOL DUDE NOT COOL ^^

so went to second service, and i had fun there too ^^ bwahahahaha and went to eat yoshinoya. speaking of that, i still owe queky 4.50 SIAN TTM but sam and noah still owe me money so... and NOBODY PAID FOR THE TICTS YET WTHHHHH i neeeed the cash damnit awwwws.

alrighty, went to cathay, wanted to watch there but heck SOLD OUT and that was what i was trying to tell everyone yet they all ignored me. SEE THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR IGNORING THE AWESOME CELIA AWWWS. but anyway, cabbed all the way to kallang to watch and i feel in love with woody today he's just so awesome ^^anyway the movie was freaking good its like a freaking must watch. And i still wanna go watch ateam awwwws.

bwahahahaha okayys tmr school reopens and im dreading every single moment of it. Holidays have been like a dream come true, every single day almost like a fairytale and i dont want it to end. But the hols ended off great ^^ and tmr. BACK TO WORK CELIA D:

kayys, byeeeeee!

Today is a saturday and that means there was church and yes there was worship duty :D yay.

However worship's key was so freaking high i started the song in my freaking falsetto omg lah like im just so tired after that sian. Left church early to go watch na's concert! ^^ bwahahaha. Watching it left me so hyped up for this wed's concert! IM JUST SO FREAKING EXCITED NOW OMG I JUST CANT WAIT AHHHHHHHHH! lol.

Bwahahaha, saw the new term's timetable and omg lah. i mean its not bad or anything, but. IM GONNA START OFF THE WEEK WITH CHINESE MEANING WZ FACE MEANING HELL MEANING TORTURE MEANNING I JUST WANNA GO ZZZZ oh th horrors. what a way to start off the new term siannnnn 0.0

lol i pity those amath students though. They have maths every.single.day.omg.how.are.they.gonna.survive??? woah. anyway did anyone tell you im a sadist? SO IN YOUR FACES HAHAHAHA SEE I SO SMART GO TAKE LIT WHERE WE'RE GONNA WATCH SHAKESPHERE BWAHAHAH ^^ sadism ftw! :DD

kayyys, byeeees.

oh my freaking goodmits i just killed, no squashed a freaking moth, YES A MOTH, the one thing i fear and hate the most, using my brand news 8 days magazine and hell im freaking out like mad now. Hyperventilating.

dont judge me, everyone has his or her own fears! And moths just happen to be one of mine rawr. *shudders*

Magic

Photos from church camp ^^ More coming soon, creditted to Kenneth :D

Last night God spoke to me.

Now i'm filled with such a desire to be a living testimony for God. No matter what I'm going through, no matter what problems i'm facing, what pain or hurts i'm facing, I'll always be radiating this sense of true joy, contentment , peace, security that no man can give but only god. People will be able to sense this and wonder " how does she do it?" and god's name will be glorified, as i proudly proclaim " hallejulah ,amen praise the lord!"

For he has held my hand through everything, happy or sad, and he has never let it go. For i know im not alone, as he is always beside me pushing me, guiding me along. For i am comforted with the fact that even if man may fail me, god will never ever let me down. For god has given me everything i need, and he opened my eyes to see the beauty in them.

I love you lord, and i want to let others know you and experience this wonderful love you give,

Amen.

Hoody Gang.

Bwahahaha Hoodygang FTW ^^

Photos creditted to James :D

You know something? I like you so so so much its like i never felt this way before; You can make me feeeeel so happy that i could just burst, or you could make me the saddest person ever. But you always apologise. Bwahahaha. Whenever you're happy, im happy whenever you're sad im sad and idk. Its all so so so strong. I really thank god for you, amen ! im looking forward to dinner ^^

Bwahahaha today was so boring i could have rotted like mad but that adds on to global warming and im nice so i tried my best to spur on ^^ and i did! yay me.

Went to yck for meeeeeeetup ^^ anyway, ClementL followed, saying smth since im his what, PCILTB he have to follow me and protect me later the blogshop owner was some mass murderer or smth wth lah. HAHAHA anyway somehow he brought along his toy knife , you know the japanese one they use in all those wierd anime and crap -.- yeahhh one hell of a retarded dude he is. Anyway so we went and i think we were arguing non stop again D: buahahahaa. I own him 10 times ald ^^ happppppy feeel so accomplished bwahahaha.

At least his presence had some use, Apparently the blogshop owner didnt have change and thank god for clement he was there yayyyy :DD

Tomorrow's theres choir. At 9am. OMG LAH there goes my precious sleeeep. and seriously, im having post-camp blues. But reduced drastically thanks to your smses ^^

hahaha kayys BYEEEEE!

Camp!

Okay im back more awake than ytd so i guess i can blog about camp now :D

Day one, was spent travelling to malaysia . Met QH at macs for breakfast before cabbing down to church which was just around th corner -.- SIAN we were damn paiseh to like tell the driver where we were going but than the driver was like damn nice, saying its okay. HAHAHA!

On the coach ride to the hotel we played indian poker ^^ and my ipod died so... D: Learnt that the hotel has THE ABSOLUTE BEST BEST BEST BEST BEST WONTONNOODLES IN THE WHOLE WORLD yummmy *slurps*

Time was spent playing random games like truth and dare and the works; Awesome ^^

Second day had to wake up dead early cos of worship duty and Matt overslept! Apparently Noah set the alarm at the wrong time -.- bwahahaha! Went to Berjaya Times Square in the afternoon. I hate that place, gives me seasickness i swear. And its boring ! In the end we played table soccer (so cool lah we go cheat supposed to use tokens we use singapore 50cent coins coincidental same size O.O) and ate at KremeyKreme which has THE BEST GLAZED DONUTS YUMMMS! Bought my transformers jenga and my nerf gun ^^ AWESOME :D and of course, played truth or dare again :) with *gulps* noah and joel gaying beside me with softoys and clothes and ewww lah. Traumatised T.T Played risk at night ^^

Third day, went to Mid valley. Which is a muchMuchMUCH nicer place than Times. Bought my cookiemonster bracelet ^^ anyway. Played some dumb wierd things game -.- JOEL ATE SHIT BEFORE SUPER EWWWWWWS! okay by accident, but still... Oh yeah, SAM AND NOAH TREATED ME TWO SCOOPS BASKIN ROBBINS ICECREAM ^^ THANKS GUYS :DD At night was holyspiritnight, which was awesome ! :DDDD Slept damn late also, went to slack around randomly. haahaha!

Last day, travelled back home . Broke record, 8hours chat with ClementL. OMG LAH how did we do it dont ask me man. And yes! He's gonna treat me FOUR SCOOPS OF BENS AND JERRYS YAYYY!

I really brought back something from this camp lah. Not only have i learnt to forgive, i now have a clearer view of my purpose :) which is awesome! so yeah. Today had worship and i over slept ! OH THE HORRORS D: but yeah i guess everyone understood lah so, phewwwws.

Kayys, BYEEEEE!

ARGENTINA VS SOUTH KOREA : 4-1 !

YAYYYYYS!

Argentina thrashed SouthKorea wakakakaa ! Like so awesome, Amen!

Okay anyway im back from hiatus and....BACK FROM CHURCH CAMP SAY YAY !

It was, pretty, awesome and magical and amazing wowwww. Like, really, WOW! Bonded with the lovely people ^^ Bought Nerf ^^ and transformers jenga ^^ which looks really really cool with black bricks and silver transformers design on them wowwww :DD

Even though the camp wasnt like, totally happy, like there were people who emoed here and there, i guess it was still pretty awesome lah. Bwahahahaha ! Made new friends, like some freak called Clement Loh whose face i wanna smack leftrightcenter RAWR !

Anyway, camp was really awesome and holyspirit night was scary D: but i think i brought home something reaally really valuble from the camp. OKAY IM SO HYPED UP ABOUT THE NEXT ONE NOW BWAHAHAHA !

yupppps. so yeah. I have SO MUCH to blog about but. now's late and i have worship tmr so....Some other day bah. ;D with pics hopefully.

Kayys, BYEEE!

Argentina ftw!

See this is what you do when you're truly bored. AND over excited for the next day. Yes, mess up profile pictures with picnik because of the crazy fifa world cup fever. Really, Argentina, you better win ^^ HAHAHA!

Tonight out of my utter random boredom i drew Glee on my nails using painty markers. I kinda like how they look though, shall draw them again tmr morning :D

Tomorrow's church camp, breakfast at 6 with qh. Im so so so excited. You were right. one day IS very.very.very.long. and its not because of you ! LOL !

kayyys, better sleep, gonna wake up at 4.30 tmr hais. BYEEEE!

This is what bored people do. Officially.

I should stop procrastinating now and start packing for church camp. Which is tomorrow !

cant wait ^^

Today i woke up to a sms from reuben. It read that he received a vison from god, to tell me that even though i feel a godly love for somebody, it isnt enough and what truly matters is the basic fact if that person is the person i want to spend my life with.

To be honest, i dont know.

Like really. I guess this will really set me thinking, but honestly. Everything i've been feeling these daysare so so so different than everything in the past.

Okay, I guess the question is, why me? why not anyone else, but me? Is it because i promised god that he's in control of all my relationships? i presume so. If that's the case, i'll ponder on it. But i really hope the answer at the end is a good one, cos i think im really sure of my feelings this time. well, emphasis on the i think part.

God, please show me an answer.

tired

Idk man after such an awesome day i suddenly feel so tired. Tired of pretending, tired of caring when when everyone else doesn't, tired of seeming so happy all the time, tired of being so expected of, tired of wondering, tired of being insecure, tired of.

Idk, its funny how one person can make you feel so wierded out. First that incident on sat, now today. I sometimes feel like im being used, sometimes feel that nobody cares, sometimes feel that im just this lil piece of trash to everybody.

I thought i was done feeling this way. I guess i thought wrong.

And only one thing can perk me up. An sms from you, yes you. But no it aint gonna come i know so.

shit whats wrong with me. this feeling of suffocation, i feel so clausthrophobic 0.0

awesomeness

Today was just awesomely awesome idk man it was fun ^^

Had choir at VCH at like 8am woke up like freakingly early 0.0 and chionggggg to school had rehearsals all the way until 2pm omg lah idk how i survived but i think it was quite fruitful though.

Went to meeet josh jael noah sam qh for some random reason, and denice tagged along ^^ apparently the peeps went to play lan so me and denice just sat some corner talking. cos in sch uniform lah cannot book com -.- SIAN ttm! halfway through, josh shouted across " CELIA YOU VERY LOUD LEH!" hello like you guys play lan shouting here there everywhere not loud meh -.- crazy.

Denice left halfway and i was about to go join in and play when noah screamed "GAME OVER!" and i was like wtc, i was gonna try my hands and you burst my bubble ! AWWWWS.

I realise i didnt talk much at all to josh or jael. or noah. O.O woweees.

okay anyway after that, went to amk hub with sam qh. HAHAHAHA TOOOOK NEOPRINTS SO AWESOME SIOL I LIKEY. :DD very fun , with sam's slippers floating in th middle of nowhere hahaha! These two crazy people never fail to make my day awesome man. And we were running through amk hub cutting across crowds like mad people chiongging to the taxi stand cos we were kinda late for idk what also hahaha!

^^ at night had worship prac for church camp, but wasnt really into it cos all my energy was sucked out of me the whole entire day O.O

hahaha kayys, BYEEE!

Im suddenly reminded of zonal bonding last year, amazing race at sentosa ^^ Me, qh, na, sam, josh one group, the evilest group :P i remember how we bluffed belle's group and caused them to get caught in the rain. And how sam and josh were so unwilling to apologize, saying smth about "strategy" hahaha ! Oh and the stupid story, about pastor ruth and sean's raybans and dolphins taking over the world. Random much ? HAHAHA!

Today was finefine. Had dinner at sakae with family ^^ Today i also learnt that when we're away in Malaysia for church camp, ARGENTINA WILL VS KOREA D: so sian i wanna watch. Lord please say theres gonna be a mass screening or smth at the hotel so i can watch with all my lovely people ^^ if not, say theres gonna be coverage in the hotel room, i wanna cheer argentina on !

hahahaa okays, worldcup fever ^^ BYEEEE!

ARGENTINA FTW ! XD

support

Last night i think i've finally found my pillar of support . I dont have to do this alone, i realise :D Oh and i wanna talk to you now but. DAMN self control celia you know you cant.

And thanks Belle, i love you ttm ^^ thank god i have such an awesome friend like ya :DD

Anyway, i've been thinking about life much more now for some reason. Like whats my dream life and everything :DD like ohmygoodmits, when have i become so, randomly big-pictured? O.O

Well...For me, i guess after secondary school i really want to take theatre foundation at Laselle. Night courses at some random poly in law ^^ Like just in case the arts doesnt work out, i'll take law instead hehehe. i know it'll be taxing but. AH WHATEVER . After that, musical theatre diploma at laselle, diploma for law ^^ At the same time, i'll do part time female lead in Matt's band hehehe. First gig at White Tangerine awesome !

At young adult-adult ages, idk probably marry? hahaha! Actually i dont know about the relationship bit lets let nature take its course but i would really like to migrate to australia :DD awesome, and maybe be a musical theatre practitioner/lawyer there. And every subsequent worldcup (hehe) sit in front of the tv supporting Argentina ^^ LOL ! Oh and each sunday praising lord with hillsong!

Well, i guess if all this doesnt work out...im quite content in staying in singapore and serve the lord in church and hang out with all my lovely people :DD

But one thing im really praying for, its that what I have now wont be temporary and will continue to remain. I know we'll have to wait for one year plus more until after O's but. I really want it to last. Please lord, make it sustain ;D

alrighty, Byeeee!

And every word you say just make me fall harder for you.

13hrs 41 mins to seeing you.

Today I realise I'm scared of being too happy. Really. It feels almost like a sin :O

Man today was hectic ttm ! sectionals ; i guess it was quite okay only salseo i think we're all gonna kinda dieeeee. D: God please help out here rawr !

LOL after that me and denice went around bishan trying to find a pedicure shop that lets us, okay well me, do a pedi with covered shoes wth all of them turned us away with a no lah, like got chance earn money also dont want bad sales tactic wakakakaka !

Went to kovan melody to play piano but kinda failed cos i started playing with my lil sis and i guess it became bubbles and yeah messed the whole place up ^^ shit lah this is the result of the massive cuteness of my lil sis rawr! not a good thing ;/ hahaha. So now i just reached home and im super sleeeeeepy but i dont wanna sleep lah its still kinda early.

Just wanna thank god for planting miracles in my life ^^

hahaha kayys byeeeee!

fairytale

Last night was truly like a dream come true; a fairytale. I never thought it would happen but it did and it made the night so awesome so. i just HAVE to thank you again ^^

Shit my stomach's now in terrible shape i can actually feel the freaking chemical reactions taking place in my stomach damnnn its irritaing !

okay. later choirr sectionals, wish me luck!

rightys, byeeee!

Today i watched the killers and i now know that mr ashton kutcher is really the epitome of hotness and people like robert pattinson and justin bieber being called hot is an utter disgrace to all the real hot guys out there on this planet.

Anyway, i found this on tumblr.

If you play a Justin Bieber album backward, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber. :/

I ab-SOH-lutely hate justin bieber and everything about him. WHAT DO THOSE CRAZY GIRLS SEE IN HIM OMG LAH.

kayys, byeeee!

retards

Haji Lane, yesterday ^^ photos credditted to deniceeee.

Today had exchange again i guess it was better than the previous one but still. SIAN LAH i dun like i dun like i dun like i dun like i dun like i never ever ever in my whole entire life wanna be in charge of an exchange ever ever ever again.

HECK i dun even wanna be in charge of anything man.

okay like whatever. But, today was kinda, better still.

After choir went for dinner with Matt Sam Na. wakakakaka. Wanted to go watch THE AWESOME MOVIE CALLED THE KILLERS WHICH HAS THE AWESOME ASHTIN KUTCHER but. Na's mum said " no i want you back home" so too bad awwwws. goodbye ashton kuctcher :(

yeah so just reached home? and im bored already.

i want a text from you !!! RAWR. kayys BYEEEE.

Okay i'm not gomma think about anything anymore okay just get lost from my head kay. BYE.

And I get back into this mundane routine of wishing for more. How did it become like this?

CELIA GET A GRIP HE'S NOT REPLYING COS HE'S JUST QUACKING DOESNT LIKE YOU ONE BIT AND HE'S FINDING YOU IRRITATING OKAY.

yeah, and the thought of that just cuts me up into so many little pieces until i rather not be able to feel anything at all. Shit and i find myself falling harder.

Okay so i went out today YAYYY from 10am to 8.30pm shiokkkkks i tell you ^^

From marymount to Bishan to Bugis to Somerset to YioChuKang to Bugis to Orchard.

CRAZY RIGHTTTT but i had fun lah, just went out and let loooooose like crazy ;/ buahahahahas im mad i tell you.

Haji lane is such a nice place to shop, no crowd thats the freakingly best thing :DD

kayyys, byeeee!

So i was like super dee duper bored and i was reading Na's and Belle's blogs, and woooosh. I realise that i have ALOT of things to thank god for, like really really.

God has placed me through a lot of tough situations and no matter what i just knew he was theere directing me, comforting me like all the time. I remember theres this once i lost the theatrertte key and apparently this really high ranking teacher found it and i just had to get it back. Which meant it was gonna come with a huge harsh scolding and probably a really, really, really LONG detention. So obviously i was like freaking out, and god was just telling me " IM HERE THERES NO NEED TO FEAR." so i just went in to ask for the key. Guess what? BAMZ. the teacher was in this super important meeting and he just passed me the key without a second glance omg right. Praise the lord.

Also, he gave me a passion for singing. And reccently, to my amazement, an annointing i have always wanted since my first few days of being a christian. I remember at my first holy spirit night ever, i see some adults having trembling shaking hands whenever they praise the lord or pray, and i was just amazed. And than there was Worship Leader Ben Chua, whom i just reccently got to know, he's like so super annointed and i just wanted to be like him. And suddenly, during one of my duties, i think god's blessing really fell upon me and now i just wanna do my best for him ^^

Then theres relationships. He gave me really awesome friends from primary school, Secondary school and church. Like, i dont think i deserve any of them but by gods grace i have all of them and i just feel so blessed. And there's my really awesome class , and my really awesome cell group. ^^ And of course, in matters of the heart, i dont think i can keep up with it if not for god. i already entrusted everything to god like a long time ago, if this is the way he wants it to be, so be it.

And as the song goes, "There's so much to be thankful for."

Lumpydoo - a really fat ass.

Goodmits - as in, " GOODMITS ME" or " OH MY GOODMITS!"

Corpoknehhh - The doctor of old men porky food. Stolen by JOEL.

Quack - F*** .

One day, i'll create a dictionary ^^

White Tangerine

White Tangerine, somehow that place gets more and more sian but tonight was kinda awesome?

wahahaha !

Today had church again. like always. actually to be honest honest, i wasnt really looking forward to it when i woke up today cos this whole week, i've been really emotionally drained.

Like in this whole week, i have been at my happiest, saddest, most worried, most confused, most stressed in a long time . I wish emotions have a off button somewhere so i can put them on sleep mode lah. And i wouldnt need to bother with all these stuffs. *sighs*

anyway, i wasnt looking forward, also in fear of suffocation? I guess i did feel a bit lah when i entered the church and met up with everyone. But worship was a blaaaaaaaast i felt god just telling me " Celia, you can have rest with me." and i just let it all out during worship.

Cell group today was a bit different : We split up guys and girls for some reason. Apparently Hitomi wanted to know the girls more personally and somehow it became this really wierd girl-talk session. wakaka, it was fun made me feel much better.

Dinner at White Tang, it was okay? Me and Wj walked allllll the way to cold storage to buy sushi and honeybaked ham (YUMMMMS) and i was complaining all the way lah.

HE MADE ME WALK ONE WHOLE ROUND TO THE FREAKING COFFEE SHOP JUST COS HE WANTED TO SAY HELLO TO THE OTHER PEEPS BUT IN THE END HE DIDNT LAH WTH.

crazy bimbo -.-

Stayed there all the way til late, played around with the singer's guitar and failed at singing cos number one, sorethroat, number two, dun know lyrics/tune/key not suitable awwwwws. But still had fun ^^

Anyway, today ended up well :DD i really had fun with all my lovely people .

Kayys BYEEEE !

Crazy

I really cant believe this week is finally over. like, over over. OMG. It has been like, hectic, no crazy even okay.

FIRST THERE WAS CHOIR EVERYDAY. like everyeveryday, goodmits me, idk how i even survived. But somehow i did, and im really really really really hyped up for the concert. I really hope we do a good job man. I know we have really a short time left, like seeing theres a week-long break and all, but i really have confidence in the choir ^^ like especially the sopranoes i know i mentioned it in my previous post, but im still gonna say it again : im really proud of them man.

Then, you happened. Idk how but it happened and its gone but yeah im glad thats cleared up but it still kinda made my whole week crazy.

And theres the sad thing about not buying anything. and not going out. and THE EXCHANGE ohmannnns lol. another crazy crazy day of this crazy crazy week i tell you *faints*

yuppps, tomorrows saturday im really looking forward to like finally slacking with all my lovely people ^^

okayyys BYEEEE !

Regrets

Somehow i wish that i never asked you but i think it was the right move; i find myself with lesser expectations and i guess thats a good thing? But at moments i still find myself glancing the phone only to be greeted with disappointment. But no worries. Im fine doing better than before with all my thoughts cleared up.

Today had sectionals , yeah again. This is whole week was really really hectic but i guess its all for the sake of the concert, which im really really hyped about ^^ like really really. All the performance pressure and exxcitement is building up and i can sense it. AND IM REALLY PROUD OF THE SOPRANOES :DD ESPECIALLY THE SOP TWOS IM REALLY REALLY PROUD OF YOU GUYS YOU GUYS SHONEEEEE :D okay yeah improved like tremendously and i can really see the effort you guys put in well done hahahaha !

okay after that went to orchard with denice, can you believe it, i didnt get anything :( super dee duper sian i tell u. lol. i cant believe one week of june hols are just gonna be over like that i feel so so so deprived hahahaha !

yeah nothing much today lah, just like any of the other days. Thanks to choir, my life is officially dead. hahahaha! hope its all gonna be worth it ^^ Oh yeah, wanna thank the lord for making the exchange ytd quite not-that-epic-fail. but hopefully the next one will be better planned out and more thought placed into those smaller details :))

hahaha kayys BYEEEE !

Today was exchange, and i swear. I never ever ever and ever want to be in charge of it again.

SHIT it wasnt even my choice in the first place sian. I cant wait for all of it to be over .

Kayys BYEEE.

Choices

Yes tonight was the night i cleared things up, cleared my thoughts up and cleared all my doubts. I threw away all my pride and all my uncertainities and i still cant believe how blunt and direct i was being with you. Really to my surprise you replied and now my soul is at ease. I really understand now. What i do from now, its all my own choice and not the least affected by you.

Now im having a clear head and its all thanks to you.

You messaged me alright, but the insecurities are all still there. Somebody, tell me what he's thinking already, cos i aint the slightest idea. And that sucks ttm.

Idk whats wrong with me i guess i want more than what i already have, and i know everything i want is out of my reach. Its never gonna happen. I know it. And it irks me even more when i know all of this yet i still continue to be in want, and i get disappointed over and over again. I know i never had a chance, and i never will. I told you, and myself even, that i'll forget about you, but its so freaking hard. Subconciously i'm waiting for a miracle even, and my prayers are all about you. Idk man, i never felt this way before , really. Never before in the past. These strong feelings are all so freaking new to me and im scared of the unknown. I dont wanna fall deeper han i already have. I dont want to wait. I dont ever want to think about you. I want to tell myself, im contented with being just friends.

But what im doing, is all otherwise. Somebody wake me up. I have enough feeling so insecure, doubtful and greedy. Im insecure, I wonder if you find me irritating, a girl who likes you messaging you. Full of doubts, what do you think of me? Greedy, i want to be more than friends.

I have enough of all of this. These negative thoughts constantly running through my head, constantly wondering, "Are you gonna message me?", constantly doubting myself. But its just so hard to stop it. My heart wont listen to my head.

Somebody, tell me what to do, please.